Getting what you want...or getting what you need?
Last week I was having a discussion with my 10-year-old son. He is an initiated Babalawo who somehow balances his Ifa studies with his regular homework and his tournament tennis play. Often he listens to my readings, and often comments on my apparent frustration with the client. So, last week following one such incident, we sat down together to discuss Divination. "Dashiel," I began, " when you are a practicing Babalawo and people are calling you for help, you will have to be very clear on the difference between getting them what they want and getting them what they need. Sometimes those two will be the same, but more often than not, they will not. Because of the world we live in, people think of everything as 'things'. They don't view these 'things' as part of an organic whole. For example, the lady you heard me talking with is in a very difficult predicament. Her husband had left her for another woman. And, she is pregnant. It turns out he had done this once before and they had gotten back together. Then, after she got pregnant he did it again. Now, that's sad, but what is sadder is that all she can think about is getting him back. What do you think of that?"
My 10 year old who had listened intently, was silent for a few moments. Then, with clarity and wisdom beyond his years he responded: "Dad, why would she want him back?"
Certainly, at 10 he is not aware of the everyday needs of supporting yourself and a child, or of the fear and loneliness the woman feels at this point, but his basic premise is absolutely accurate.
It's here that the power, and empowerment, of Ifa contrast sharply with the paternalism of Santeria/Lukumi. For divination, through properly practiced Ifa, will reveal the energies necessary for this woman to heal herself, to be proud and powerful, and to go on with her life as mother to her unborn child. That may or may not include sharing that life with the child's father.BUT, the only way that can ever be a meaningful and sustainable relationship is if he is attracted by her strength rather than her needs.
And, as I went on to explain to my son: "This woman wants her husband to take care of her just as she wants me (Ifa) to take care of her, when what she really needs to do is to learn how to take care of herself. You don't take care of yourself by inviting, praying for, or pleading that a cheating husband , a man with demonstrable bad character, come back into your life or to the life of your child. Yet, that's what she wants me to do."
"But why Dad?" my son asked.
"The reason is she, as so many others, is unable to see the connection between what we feel and what we think. In other words, her emotions want her husband back, but they are totally ignoring her intellect which tells her the guy's a rat."
Once again Dashiel paused and thought about what I was saying. "But Dad, why can't she understand?"
"Because Dashiel, in our Western society we are given all the wrong examples of how emotions and intellect (or values) must work together. People grow up thinking you must be thin, you must have large breasts, bulging abs, shinning white teeth and no wrinkles in order to be loved or worth loving. It doesn't matter if it's television, the movies, magazines or Brittany Spears for you kids, the message is always the same: 'it's how you look rather than who you are that's important.' On top of that most people's role models were influenced by the same, or similar problems. Children go up seeing their mom's and dads fight the reality (and natural order) of growing older. They see fathers leave families for younger more attractive women, they see mom's spending more time at the gym or constantly dieting instead of being with their families, they see love as sexual activity instead of a union of shared values and behavior. So this lady feels that she is not worthwhile unless her husband wants to be with her. She has no role models to kick her intellect into gear and understand her value is independent, and her values more important than her emotional needs."
"I don't understand Dad," Dashiel broke in. "Well Dash, let's put it a different way. If you were a little girl growing up in a home where your father yelled and screamed at you, or physically punished you every time you made a mistake, you would be very frightened. And, if your Dad only showed you affection when you did the dishes, washed the car or cleaned the house, you would grow up thinking that your value had to do with what you could do as opposed to who you are as a person.The only person that father could be married to would be a woman who allowed that behavior. The likelihood is you would pick a man later who behaved like your Dad.because that's the only real emotional thing you know.And once you did you would behave like your mother, accepting it and not complaining. If you were a little boy in the same home you would very likely grow up acting like your Dad for the same reasons, and you would look for a woman as passive and non-protecting as your mother. While your mind might know it is wrong, in our culture we don't know how to make the partnership between mind and emotions work in partnership. That's what Ifa is all about. That balance of the two working together. Of being able to decide on the right values and then make sure you integrate them into your relationships.
The key and Truth even lies in the way we read the Odu. We read from temporal (intellect) on the right side to Emotional ( spiritual) on the left. And, you know Ifa believes the right side determines if you will be successful on the left. So, values, intellect, character are the keys to making relationships work. When you ignore them for what you feel ( particularly when those feelings are a result of bad role models ) you set yourself up for wanting a husband back who cheats on you."
"Ok, I get it," he replied. And, because of that he will be a fine Babalawo.
My reading had provided the client with the energies and ebbo necessary to heal her own weaknesses. Yet, she didn't really want to address the issues like: "why was she attracted to a man with bad character?", " why would she want those values around her child?", " how could she straighten out her own energy so that she would be attracted to, and attract, the RIGHT man" All she wanted was the cheating husband back. And all that would ever happen, if her energy and imbalances were not healed, would be a never-ending series of what she had already experienced. Only it would be worse the next time, because it would begin to negatively affect the energy and life of her child as well as herself.
A day after our reading she e-mailed me to ask about a "voodoo love spell designed to get him back." Ifa can't help her if she refuses to help herself.
"The really sad thing," I concluded with my conversation with my son, "is that there are all kinds of people out there who will exert energy to get the husband back even if it is ultimately harmful to the woman and her child."
At the Ifa Foundation we teach you about using the energy of the Orisa for personal growth, understanding and empowerment. We teach how to make yourself strong and self-reliant so that the relationships, family, career and community you relate to will reflect your rational desires rather than your needs. Ifa is a philosophy of personal growth and responsibility. Ultimately, it's the only path that provides genuine freedom.
Blessings,
Oluwo Philip Neimark
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